Jealousy

Some children are the jealous type and have more problems sharing your affections with a brother or sister, while others find easy. The age gap between children is thought to have an effect on the strength of sibling rivalry. It's been found that a two- to four-year gap often produces the worst jealousy, while there seems to be less of a problem if the gap's larger (more than five years) or smaller (less than 18 months). Sometimes the oldest child displays the most jealousy - probably because they had you all to themselves for a period of time. However, each child is an individual and their behaviour will have its unique characteristics.

Even though some jealousy is normal, it can make children insecure or unhappy and might spoil the relationship between siblings. It makes sense for you to try to manage rivalry whenever possible.

Preparing your child for a new baby

While you and your partner are thrilled to be expecting again, your child may be less than happy. This isn't inevitable, though. Some may be as pleased, or more so, than you!

There are things you can do to reduce jealous feelings before the birth:

Explain in advance - tell your child you're pregnant and that another baby will soon join the family. Nine months can seem like an eternity to a small child so there's no need to tell her too soon, but you don't want her to find out from someone else either.

Reassure her - give plenty of comfort to a child who seems worried or upset. Explain you'll always love her.

Be honest - explain that babies can't do anything for themselves and need a lot of time and attention. Also explain that they tend to cry a lot and it's their way of communicating.

Involve your child - where possible, get your child to help in preparing for the baby. This may be getting the nursery ready or going shopping for clothes for the baby.

Avoid change - try to avoid making changes to her routine close to the birth.

Reading books together about having a new baby can also help your child come to terms with any changes that may be around the corner. Both boys and girls can enjoy having a doll to practise with, too. By the time your child reaches two or three, she'll know that your affections can be shared. Before this, however, you should explain that you won't use all your love up on the baby.

After the birth

Once the baby has arrived, it's perfectly normal for your child to feel angry and upset. Try this tips to help her accept her new brother or sister.

Encourage her to help with the baby. She could help find a nappy or a bath toy, for example. Never insist on this if she isn't interested.

Make sure you keep an eye her and only allow gentle touching of the baby with you supervising. 'Over-loving' - hugging too tight or kissing too hard - is common and demonstrates confusion and the love-hate feelings she might have for the baby.

Point out that the baby seems to like her, perhaps when he smiles.

Some children are thrilled by receiving a gift from the new baby.

As well as anger and confusion, you may also witness some regressive behaviour in your older child after the birth. For example:

wanting a bottle or to breastfeed

going back on toilet teaching

wanting to be carried or dressed by you

wanting sleep in a cot

wanting a dummy

Stay calm, never get angry and allow your older child time to adjust.

Time share

Although you're busy with a new baby, it's important to spend time with your older child too. Here are some tips:

Give your older child special time and attention, perhaps when the baby's asleep. Read or play together, for example.

Let your older child have some special 'big kid' privileges - being able to stay up an extra ten minutes or choosing her own clothes, for example. Stress that the baby isn't lucky enough to have these privileges.

Ask friends and family to show affection to your older child as well as the baby.

Growing up together

Sibling rivalry sometimes increases with age. Older children may only begin to show annoyance when the baby starts to be mobile and snatches their toys or interfering with their games. And a younger child may be jealous when her big brother or sister starts school. You may find your children go through stages - they may be great friends at one age, then fall out all the time at another. This is quite normal. If you think your children will never get along, it's better not to force them together. It might be better to let them have separate friends and activities. If at all possible each child in a family should have somewhere that is all her own. If space is tight, this could be a drawer or a box - somewhere to keep private treasures. Avoid making comparisons between your children, especially if one is receiving a lot of praise. This favouritism can make them too competitive, and may cause distress to one child if the other is constantly held up as an example.