No! No! No!

Your toddler's desire for independence can mean she displays a lot of unreasonable negative behaviour that's puzzling or, at worst, irritating. Common examples include a refusal to let you strap her into her buggy, turning down food she enjoyed last week and insisting you carry out an impossible task, such as finding a favourite toy that's been left at home when you're on a journey. This difficult phase may not last long in some toddlers, but for others it can go on for many months or even continue into later childhood. This can be hard for some parents to handle. It helps to realise this behaviour is a normal developmental stage - toddlers are just trying their new-found will as they make a bid for independence. Some toddlers may say "no, no, no" over and over to themselves, about nothing in particular. They're demonstrating the bolshy, negative streak that's at its peak during these years.

Positive steps

You'll keep your sanity if you make an effort at the beginning of the toddler stage to 'toddler-proof' your home - this cuts down the need for unnecessary battles.

It helps if she doesn't get too tired or hungry - regular mealtimes and bedtimes make a big difference.

Make a determined effort to keep your use of the word "no" to a minimum. As far as possible, make your requests positive: "Keep your bike on the pavement" rather than "Don't go on the road," for example. If you have to refuse a request, use phrases such as, "Great idea, we'll play that later" instead of "No, I'm too busy to play with you."

If your toddler's strong-willed and often challenges you - do your best to be patient and remember this stage won't last forever.

Toddlers need to try out things for themselves as often as possible - so try not to be too controlling. For example, it can help to let your child climb into her car seat instead of being placed there by you.

When it has to be "no", for safety reasons perhaps, make it calm and firm. Show your toddler you mean it, but don't get angry. For younger toddlers you may have to add actions to your words - lift her away from the video machine or plug, and offer a toy to take her mind off it.

Use clever tactics - "I bet I can race you to get your shoes on" often works better than "Get your shoes on now."

Offer your toddler choices - within limits - to keep battles to a minimum, so that "no" is a less likely response. "Do you want to wear your red skirt or black trousers?" or "Would you like an apple or orange?" for example.

Use praise to encourage good behaviour: "Good boy, you tidied away your toys when I asked," for example. This will makes him want to repeat the behaviour.

One of the most useful techniques with toddlers is distraction, and you should use it for as long as it works. Saying thing such as, "I think I hear Daddy's car arriving" or suddenly starting a song such as Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary often makes toddlers forget they were about to start a battle.

Try not to laugh at your toddler when she says "no" - it can be tempting when it's amusing, but this is likely to upset a small child who takes her independence seriously.

Don't waste time arguing with a very young toddler. Lifting her away from the cat food works better than saying "Don't eat that!"

Tips on avoiding saying "no"

Divert and distract - these work best on under-twos.

Give limited choices - "Would you like ham or cheese in your sandwich?"

Explain why things have to be - this works best for two- to three-year-olds.

Use delaying words - "Later perhaps" or "Not until after lunch."

Offer alternatives - "You can't write on the wall, but you can write on this piece of paper."

Lighten up - remember your sense of humour and think, "Does this really matter?"

Keep a positive attitude - look for good behaviour and praise your child