What is positive discipline?
We use the word discipline to mean punishment so often, that the phrase "positive discipline" will probably seem a little strange at first. Yet the origin of the word discipline couldn't be more different, it stems from the word disciple, meaning a follower or someone who is guided. So what we're actually meaning when using the phrase positive discipline, is that discipline is a way to guide children, not punish them.
What is the point in disciplining children? Well we think they need help to learn an important set of skills, something that will be useful to them for their whole lives. These could include things like, give and take, to think about other peoples needs as well as their own; or skills in relating well to others; taking responsibility for their own actions and keeping promises, and of course they need to learn to look after themselves in a more practical way, opposed to staying dependent on others. So in this sense, discipline is a means to an end, a way of helping children grow up as confident, independent, responsible and responsive young adults.
Children don't come in to the world with a manual on behaviour to read, this is probably a good thing, as there would be to many mixed messages, as no two familes are the same, each community is differnt, schools too, infact almost every aspect that will pass through your childs life would have different responses to similar situations. Whilst diversity should be celebrated, this does mean that for your child it is important that as parents we're clear, concise and consistant with rules that are set in place, what is funny at home may not be whilst shopping in the local supermarket! There's a need to be patient, it does take time for children to learn these skills, and allow them to develop their own personality and preferences.
We could force children to be obedient, after all we're bigger and stronger then they are. But in the long term it is far more helpful for them to learn to co-operate through simple understanding and self discipline, and not because they're afraid of us
Boundaries
There are four main kinds of boundaries
- Constricting boundaries
- If your style of discipline, is one using constricting boundaries then their is likely to be lots of rules and regulations, these are often backed up with severe punishments, there is little room to explore, "do as you're told" - like a dictatorship
- Boundaries are Absent
- Using little or no discipline then there are no limits, anything goes, this can be neglectful or indulgent - like anarchy
- Inconsistent Boundaries
- If your style of discipline has inconsistnat boundaries (Often a mixture of constricting and absent) - strict one day and indulgent or neglectful the next
- Using Clear, Consistant boundaries
- This style of discipline is safe, there's fair limits with clear expectations, stability with plenty of room to explore and grow - like a democracy
Constricting discipline boundaries
If we're constricted and over controlled, we may become rebellious and unco-operative, or go to the other extreme and become timid, submissive, waiting to be told what to do and reluctant to try things for fear of making mistakes.
Absent discipline boundaries
Too much freedom can be as scary as not having enough. If there are no boundaries, we may feel that nobody cares about us, and may behave in extreme and sometimes dangerous ways in an attempt to get someone to take charge.
Inconsistent discipline boundaries
With inconsistent boundaries we can feel confused and insecure, and also learn to be manipulative. If the adults around us aren't clear about what they expect of us, we can't learn what bahviour is OK - a lot of difficult behaiour can be traced to this.
Clear, Consistant discipline boundaries
Clear, fair boundaries help us feel secure, safe to explore within teh limits and to test them; this leads to confidence, an ability to try things without laking foolish risks, and a respect for others. These are helpful boundaries: consistancy, particularly wehn we are young, is important.
Which of these boundaries do you identify with? The ones that feel familiar are probably those you knew as a child.
