Discipline...time out

So...How do you feel when you're praised? If you don't really know, then have a think, try to think of a time when someone said something more critical, and notice how you felt then. Now think of a situation where you were praised, once again think how that made you feel.

Most people as children can recall many more negative and critical comments then they did positive ones. With all the best of intentions most adults point out to children what they are doing wrong far more then what they are doing right. And so it progresses into adult life. Have a think for a moment, the News, the papers, what do you see more of, good news, or bad?

This negative attitude can have a big impact on us all. When we recall our own childhood, it can hurt to remember all the bad things we were told.

When we're praised, many people feel awkward or embarressed, though some people also feel positive. When we're not used to being appreciated for what we do or who we are it can feel uncomfortable, maybe even as though the person telling us is actually lying.

The same can be said of children and teenagers. Everyone needs praise, even when it's not always easy to accept. If you find your child rejects praise, don't give up. Praise can be seen as a dried sponge, when you first run water over it, it just splashes off then it starts to soften, and eventually it starts to soak up the water. With praise, little and often works best.

Guiding without criticising

Children adn teenagers need guidance whilst they are growing up. If we can guide them without criticising then we can seperate the behaviour we see from the child as a person. We can give them usfull information on how to improve without being destructive.

A chart for kindness

Don't get me wrong, we've all been there. It really is very easy to get into the habit of noticing only what's going wrong within the family, the things that annoy us, the times children try our patience. The children do it too, telling us when their brother or sister or a friend has done something they feel upset about, but not when someone has been kind to them or they've been having fun. It can be hard for us all to remember to spot the everyday positives rather then taking them for granted.

One way to help us remember these things is to have a simple, colourful chart. Whenever anyone in the family spots someone else doing something kind or helpful, that person is then invited to add to the chart. Adults can nominate each other as well as children, chiildren can nominate each other and grown ups too. Visitors can be invited to join in, the chart should be encouraged to be used by everyone, and everyone should be encouraged to spot someone else doing something kind and helpful. Once you all get good at noticing each other, you can start to nominate yourselves. This works well for most parents who are being taken for granted by the rest of the family.

The chart is not meant to be a competition. There shouldn't be any individual lines of stars or smiley faces, as this is likely to result in one child getting smug and another feeling left out or upset for "loosing". Everyone does their best and contributes to a general chart, and as a result everyone does their best to contribute to a positive atmosphere within the family.

So what sort of things can you look for as a positive?

  1. helping a younger brother or sister put on their shoes
  2. feeding pets
  3. putting away the shopping
  4. tidying up without being asked
  5. being patient
  6. cooking a nice meal
  7. helping to lay the table
  8. remembering to be quiet when someone is ill
  9. taking out the rubbish
  10. reading a story to (or playing a game with) a younger brother or sister
  11. making you a cup of tea
  12. remembering to buy something for someone
  13. being grateful or appreciative

   Positive Discipline